FROM THE TEA ROOMS OF MARS TO THE HELL HOLES OF URANUS!

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Re: FROM THE TEA ROOMS OF MARS TO THE HELL HOLES OF URANUS!

Postby CCS » 15 Sep 2014 12:00

jonathon.e wrote:Sorry to inform one and all, but it's that time of year, race season over and I start to put non sensical ramblings in my training blog, which are blatantly borrowed and rewritten from others. So sit back grab another choccy hobnob.

Stop!!!! You are fuelling some serious work avoidance here when there is a tedious presentation to be pulled together! :lol: (and I will substitute a lemsip and a bag of Skips for the hobnob if it's all the same....)

jonathon.e wrote:Cyclists will generally fall into various classifications according to whichever tabloid paper has written about them, MAMILs, hippies, ignorant self centred road hogging blight on the environment ( New Forest Bugle), but what groups do cyclists aspire to, roadies, testers, challenge cyclists, climbers, rouleurs etc, and to what rules or codes do they adhere to, one would like to think the Highway Code is one, I did say. ' would like to think ', and what of the other rules, those of the a Velominatti and those of the OREC, so which one would you pigeon hole yourself into ?

You are missing an important category - the OWL (Old Woman in Lycra)!
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Re: FROM THE TEA ROOMS OF MARS TO THE HELL HOLES OF URANUS!

Postby Jack Hughes » 15 Sep 2014 12:01

CCS wrote:You are missing an important category - the OWL (Old Woman in Lycra)!



Like that!

Let's make it a thing!
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Re: FROM THE TEA ROOMS OF MARS TO THE HELL HOLES OF URANUS!

Postby jonathon.e » 15 Sep 2014 12:09

Jack Hughes wrote:
CCS wrote:You are missing an important category - the OWL (Old Woman in Lycra)!



Like that!

Let's make it a thing!


I notice that Clare was omitted from Kevys face book tag the other day :o :lol:

Which word will get in the urban cycling dictionary first, Mandering or OWL ?
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Re: FROM THE TEA ROOMS OF MARS TO THE HELL HOLES OF URANUS!

Postby Jack Hughes » 15 Sep 2014 12:13

jonathon.e wrote:Which word will get in the urban cycling dictionary first, Mandering or OWL ?


Isn't it a wiki like thing? I.e. just put the entry in. (i.e. the real urban dictionary. Or does it all have to be "rude"?)
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Re: FROM THE TEA ROOMS OF MARS TO THE HELL HOLES OF URANUS!

Postby jonathon.e » 15 Sep 2014 12:17

Jack Hughes wrote:
jonathon.e wrote:Which word will get in the urban cycling dictionary first, Mandering or OWL ?


Isn't it a wiki like thing? I.e. just put the entry in. (i.e. the real urban dictionary. Or does it all have to be "rude"?)


I assume the magic pixie/internet fairies did it, like the new TT entry on the forum, it just happens, a bit like WMD, they just appear. :roll:
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Re: FROM THE TEA ROOMS OF MARS TO THE HELL HOLES OF URANUS!

Postby Jack Hughes » 15 Sep 2014 12:27

jonathon.e wrote:
Jack Hughes wrote:
jonathon.e wrote:Which word will get in the urban cycling dictionary first, Mandering or OWL ?


Isn't it a wiki like thing? I.e. just put the entry in. (i.e. the real urban dictionary. Or does it all have to be "rude"?)


I assume the magic pixie/internet fairies did it, like the new TT entry on the forum, it just happens, a bit like WMD, they just appear. :roll:



Yes, you are undoubtedly right.
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Re: FROM THE TEA ROOMS OF MARS TO THE HELL HOLES OF URANUS!

Postby jonathon.e » 25 Sep 2014 12:14

It now seems that our Scottish brethren have their own set of cycling rules to follow.



#1. Practicality and functionality shall be the primary concerns of the Scottish Cyclist. Under no circumstances should the Scottish Cyclist pay heed to aesthetics or style, either in his/her bicycle or clothing.

2. The second most important rule for the Scottish Cyclist is cost. Kit and equipment shall always be selected for best value. Under no circumstances shall excessive expense be paid to overtly stylish kit. It is acceptable to pay higher amounts for quality kit or components for their longevity, but never for reasons of aesthetics.

3. Training shall be based solely on feel, while racing shall be guided by sensations and instinct. Computers, power meters, coaching programmes, gym membership are too expensive, and scientific data is way too much hassle.

4. The Scottish Cyclist shall wear plain black bibs, or shorts, of any colour. Shorts may be any length, i.e. tights or bib 3/4s are permitted. Whatever shorts are best for the conditions, and are best value for the Scottish Cyclist are acceptable.

5. Team kit is generally frowned upon, especially if matching shorts and jersey are worn. Matching cap, gloves, socks, etc all at once is strictly oot ay order! In some circumstances retro team kit may be accepted, e.g. Robert Millar’s Peugeot jersey, but it should never be worn as a matching set.

6. It is not necessary for The Official Rules of the Scottish Cyclist to stipulate precise requirements for each piece of cycling kit. Suffice to say, that if they are practical, inexpensive, and do not match or are overtly stylish, they are acceptable.

7. The Scottish Cyclist’s legs shall not be shaved unless peer pressure is too great. Peer pressure may come from other cyclists (i.e. pressure to shave) or from ‘normal’ people (pressure not to shave). Certain circumstances where shaving may be acceptable include: when racing at a very high level, when riding an event such as the Étape de Tour, or on a cycling holiday in Italy. However, it is highly impractical to have to take a merciless slagging from non-cycling friends or family, and this may outweigh the pressure from cycling peers.

8. The Scottish Cyclist will perform as much of his own bike maintenance as he possibly can. At all times he shall strive to improve his knowledge of bike parts and mechanics. Only when the cyclist is truly stuck with a mechanical problem shall he take his bike to a professional mechanic.

9. The reputation of the Scottish Cyclist increases proportionally to the amount of bicycle mechanics he is able to perform. Wheel building/truing and frame building/repairs are highly prized skills.

10. Any colour of bike is acceptable, but overly prominent logos, world championship stripes or customised rider names are not desirable.

11. While a lighter bike is beneficial, the Scottish Cyclist should not pay too much attention to its weight. This is partly to ensure maximum durability to withstand the harsh Scottish conditions. The Scottish Cyclist should overcome any drawbacks in equipment quality through fitness and skill.

12. Wheels shall be equipped with clincher tyres. The propensity for punctures on the rough Scottish roads rules out tubulars. The risk to puncture a tubular miles from home is too great. However if the Scottish Cyclist can effectively fit tubulars, this is a useful skill.

13. It should go without saying that ridiculously stylish eyewear should not be worn at any time. Eyewear should be cheap clear glasses to avoid rain and road-dirt, except when the sky is cloudless (generally only in July and September). Glasses may be worn under helmet straps and headband or cycle cap, to avoid losing them.

14. Hair should be kept neatly short, as this is most practical and easiest to manage. Investing in a set of clippers and cutting one’s own hair is cheapest in the long run. However, the particulars of style are of little importance, so the Scottish Cyclist can sport a ponytail or comb-over if he can be bothered with the extra hassle, it doesn’t really matter. Following fashion with regard to hairstyles is forbidden however. No highlights, self-consciously messy cuts, ironic style mullets or peaks.

15. The Scottish Cyclist should never ride without a helmet. This is due to the unreliable road quality, often treacherous weather conditions and the proliferation of bampot drivers. During winter, traditional cycling caps, wooly hats or handkerchiefs are worn for insulation (any colour or style).

Helmets may be any colour or style, but white is not preferable, being the preferred colour of the show-off and prone to getting dirty. Helmets can be worn when venturing indoors. The Scottish Cyclist doesn’t care what people think of him/her.

16. Saddles and handlebar tape may be any colour, but white is highly impractical due to the filth thrown up from Scottish roads. Black is therefore the most sensible colour. Cleansing or replacement of tape must always be performed by the cyclist as per item 8. above.

17. Facial hair is certainly not prohibited, in fact it may be extremely useful to insulate the face. This is especially practical for long-distance tours.

18. As the most widely available and best value, Shimano components are preferred. Under no circumstances should the Scottish Cyclist use Campagnolo simply to show to his peers how stylish and wealthy he is. Stylish, expensive kit is no substitute for dogged training at ungodly hours of the day in horrible conditions with a heavy bike.

19. If the Scottish Cyclist finds himself in the presence of a cyclist riding a bike costing more than 2000€ he shall regard his “acquaintance” with a mixture of disdain and SEVERE condescension, unless the rider’s ability is commensurate with the cost of his equipment.

20. Generally any physical activity other than cycling is encouraged, especially if it is outdoors. Cycling of course, should be preferred at all times, and if The Scottish Cyclist does indulge in other sports, he must be careful not to overdo it. Sports that are approved by the Scottish Cyclist Rules are fell running, cross-country running, Munro climbing and swimming across lochs.

21. One point where the Scottish Cyclist is in agreement with the Euro Cyclist: in the event a motorist disturbs one’s ride: one shall proceed to ride up beside the car, form a clenched fist and bang the boot of the car while shouting and swearing. In fact, the broad Scottish accent is infinitely better at expressing doing one’s rage than Italian. Wild arm and head movements however, add to the effect, in both languages.

22. The seatbag and frame pump are essential pieces of equipment. These are needed when the Scottish Cyclist punctures in the middle of a 200-mile training ride through the Highlands, hours from civilisation.

23. Mud guards are necessary that the rider can ride through winter and foul spring/autumn conditions. Mirrors are not allowed unless one is too old or infirm to to turn one’s head.

24. The use of 25- or 27-toothed cogs are acceptable due to the propensity of ridiculously steep mountainous training routes that the Scottish Cyclist rides. 25 and 27 tooth cogs may also be necessary for the Scottish Cyclist that fuels himself on Irn-Bru and sausage rolls. A single fixed gear is preferred though. Graeme Obree won the Tour de Trossachs mountain time trial, over the Dukes Pass and the Braes of Greenock on a fixed gear- nuff said.

25. The Scottish Cyclist should never feature his/her personalised nameplate on his bike. The bike should be significantly individual to distinguish it from other bikes, even of the same make and model (preferably through customised parts).

26. Road pedals (e.g Shimano SPD-SL) are preferred, however mountain bike SPDs are acceptable should the Scottish Cyclist need them for practical reasons- e.g. in order to wear commuting shoes for the daily ride from Lochgilphead to Glasgow, or should the rider want to switch easily from his/her road bike to mountain bike.

27. While strong black coffee is fine, tea or white instant coffee is a much more Scottish drink. Better yet, the Scottish Cyclist shall drink Irn-Bru with a shot of his single malt whisky of choice.

28. Motivational music during training shall consist of whatever motivates the Scottish Cyclist! Suggested tracks include:
500 Miles – The Proclaimers
Caledonia – Rod Stewart
Why Does it Always Rain on Me? – Travis
Take The Long Way Round – Teenage Fanclub

29. Water bottles shall preferably be freebies from sportive rides or found at the side of the road when watching pro races. Under no circumstances should they be discarded until completely spent, even when not matching bike or clothing colours.
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Re: FROM THE TEA ROOMS OF MARS TO THE HELL HOLES OF URANUS!

Postby Jack Hughes » 25 Sep 2014 12:17

Beginning to understand why WW has emigrated there now.
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Re: FROM THE TEA ROOMS OF MARS TO THE HELL HOLES OF URANUS!

Postby IanM » 25 Sep 2014 12:18

I note a distinct lack of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin in number 28. Will has gone to the right place.
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Re: FROM THE TEA ROOMS OF MARS TO THE HELL HOLES OF URANUS!

Postby jonathon.e » 25 Sep 2014 20:06

We are bounded by rules and regulations, I for one always seem to be up to my neck in legislation , but since it is quiet at work and the weeks paperwork is filed, helicopters hitting cliffs, Lancaster bombers swerving off the runway, and aircraft making holes in the runways , consideration came about what rules, other than the BTF rules I have for myself in triathlon.

1. Just because I enjoy the sport, it doesn't mean I have to bore my colleagues at work about it. They think I am nuts already , that I regularly race the Brownlee brothers and do an IM race every weekend,

2. If you get daubed with a race number on your arm at a race, it is not ok to still have it etched on your arm at work the next day. ( see rule 1 ).

3. Thou shall not wear a t-shirt of a race you haven't done, nor shall thou call oneself an Ironman or Norseman etc if you have not done the full course within the cuttoff .

4. If I wish to get quicker at running/ cycling/swimming I will join a running club/ cycling club / swimming club, and not emphasise to them I am a triathlete. ( see rule 1 ). If I do tell them That I am a triathlete they will beast me into the ground and then drop me.

5. A gadget is only essential if you can use it .

6. It only counts if you race the distance.

7. Your transition area is not your hotel room , keep the area the size of a small towel. ( yes, towel , yes, small , yes, transition, it's a measuring device ).

8. The sport maybe young, but it does have some history, learn some, just incase rule 1 doesn't apply and by a miracle you find someone interested in the sport.

9. Learn to pee on yourself. If you spend £2000 to make you 50 secs quicker , why not pee on yourself for free to save you two minutes .

10. Crawling is acceptable , and often a preferred mode of movement. ( see rule. 8. )


As for my training , totally none existent at the moment. The back is still very sore , but on the plus side , I can now get out of my car in under 5 minutes, a walking stick is beneficial though .
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